Relfections / Thoughts: I don't care if I'm selfish

June 14, 2022

Approximately 3years after that incident I was able to gather my thoughts and reflections and put them into writing. Here it is:

I don't care if I'm selfish. After putting people first for the longest time and being disappointed I deserve to do whatever makes me feel happy. All my (teenage) life I lived according to what others told me how to live. Because that is right, and "godly". But time has come and the universe taught me that I know exactly what I want, I know exactly what I need, and I know exactly what I have to do with this borrowed life of mine. That it is I whom being borrowed for this life, not them. That I just need to listen more to myself. There's a part of me that got tired of being ignored all my life. It's the things that I truly want to do/try, and the things that I do not want to do at all. I felt being trapped inside that four corners of a room. Blindly following, not just because of respect but also because of fear (of hell). I was torn between myself vs their teachings. Repent, repent, repent. Non stop in my head. Always reminding me I did something wrong and should ask for forgiveness; to the point that I forgot to forgive myself. I thought one prays only when you made a cross sign or when you bow your head and put your palms together. But nah. Prayers are our thoughts, our minds' small, silent whispers. And it creeps deep inside our subconscious. It's funny how you don't even need a highly, respectful words. And that you don't even need to address to "God", nor "Jesus" nor whatsoever. And that there's no need to sob/ugly cry. Just like in the book "Outwitting the Devil" says, "When you pray do not beg, DEMAND!" There's power in our words and thoughts. I personally refer to god now as "infinite intelligence". And I dedicate my minds whisper to the "universe". I pray as if I'm telling the universe "I want it, I need it, and I will have it". There's now more faith into it. More faith to myself. I banished all beliefs I had before and lived according to my will. And now I don't care if I'm selfish. I deserve to do whatever makes me (feel) happy.